DISCLAIMER: This is a very personal and vulnerable post for me. It is a release of emotion and feelings. Please take that into account and be sensitive. Thank you
Sometimes my job is messy. A lot of the time it is due to products of the human body... vomit, pee, poop, blood, etc. It's gross, but you get over it and get the job done. Nothing a shower/change of clothes/washer & dryer (with anti-microbial disinfectant!) won't fix. But then there are the times that it's emotionally messy.
My last shift was one such occurrence. Without going into much detail, we ran a call on a small child that had a very ordinary accident with a very tragic outcome. From a parents perspective, it was one of those incidents that could happen to anyone and we've all had close calls on, but that make our hearts stop and we sigh with relief that nothing happened... This was the exception. As professionals, we did everything we could, spot on and text book. But, sometimes it's just not enough and the end result has already been decided.
Tonight as I was putting Kellie to bed, I held her close and rocked her to sleep with her head on my shoulder in our glider chair. I couldn't help myself as I began to weep. It was painful and raw... I was so broken-hearted for what I had seen and experienced, and yet, I felt so lucky and blessed to have her in my arms. This little person who I've become utterly obsessed with over the past year is not permanent. Nothing created is...
It reminds me how little control we have in life, and how I need to live in the here and now... not the future, past, or some alternate dream reality. I have to stop complaining and being negative. This is the life we get, so it's time to stop wasting it and start living it. (John 10:10b)
